I'm never making online promises again. (oops.)

You know, I don't usually lie in real life. I try not to. Maybe it's a flaw, I have no idea. I even feel bad about the little blunder in the previous post. What I wanted to do was a mock music awards for 2002, with off the wall categories such as "Most overhyped music" (All the "the" retro-rock bands like The Hives and The White Stripes) and "Best Name for a New Band" (And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead). Obviously that never happened and I apoligize. Instead I come at you with something I wrote over Thanksgiving, after one of my storied arguments with my dad. They may not be storied to you; I try not to talk about them to anyone. But if you lived in my house, you'd know what I meant. Here it is.

I am a human being like every other human being. You've read or heard those words beforeI'm sure, and this reaffirms the fact. I am fragile, sensitive, vulnerable. I need justification for my existence. It's not a matter of why I'm here, or what I'm here for, or how I'm doing it. Put simply, those things don't matter. What matters is who I'm here for.

My insides, my soul, my being...are all like a covered light. Why you'd cover a light up, I don't know. But it's covered, and everyone knows it. Only a fraction of the light is visible, straining to be seen through the shroud. Sooner or later the shroud has to fall, someone has to take it off. People want to see the light. The problem is, I don't let them. No one understands why; At times I don't understand why. The light isn't ugly, it's isn't disgusting, morbid, or repulsive. It's full of brightness, of energy. One day it's bound to break through.

I need help to do that. I understand that only I can do it. Only I can change myself. But it can't possibly be a one-way street. I listen to music, watch films, read books; I write my feelings down when I think they're worth writing. They help me see the light in others, see the light in myself on occasion. In short, I see myself everywhere but here.

Why is that? Because there are days when no one, even me, cares anymore. I mean that people that don't have to care, still don't. I understand that I have a family that loves me, friends that care, a God that looks out for me. I know this and appreciate it, but it's never been enough. There's still something missing. Maybe I'm just greedy, maybe I'm secretly in denial of my family ot friends. I don't really know sometimes.

It's weird how I can take those things for granted sometimes, those things that are supposed to soothe me, supposed to make me feel at home, supposed to make me feel like I'm wanted. And I throw them away because I know they have to be there for me. They wouldn't be my parents or my friends if they didn't do things for me. It might hurt to think that, but it's true

It's also weird how I can get sick of things so quickly. Cd's, videogames, girlfriends - they all come and go. They are temporary. Maybe that's my problem, I know I can move on to the next object. Somewhere it has to stop. I know where it stops.

It stops with a smile. A smile, if only for 5 seconds, can make me happy. It doesn't have to be only a smile, it can be praise. It can be a "good job" or a "thnak you" for something I've done. A smile disconnects me from the hurt, anger, and loss I deal with on a daily basis. I don't say that to cry and whine about how bad my life is; My problems are as insignificant as anyone else's. For every petty argument I have, or every dirty look I've gotten from a girl in a bar - a smile can make the difference between a bad day or a good one. A smile, in all it's simplicity, is better than a cold beer and a soothing cigarette after a hard day of work. It's better than all the cd's, all the sex, even all the money in the world.

I'm disconnected by your smile. It doesn't matter who it's from: black, white, yellow, indian; fat or thin; pretty or ugly; man or woman; teacher or student. Those things are secondary. All that matters is that you've taken the time to do it. In time, with enough prodding and pushing, I'll return the favor tenfold.