The Soundtrack of My Life

Yeah, so my birthday came and went. I'm 21 now, so I guess that means I can legally get ferschnickered (sorry, I was having a Mel Brooks moment there). And as usual I marked an important period in my life with a compilation cd. This time around it's songs that have really meant something throughout my life, especially in my teenage/college years. As you can probably guess, many of the songs are about loss, misery, and despair. My life may not be as melancholy as the songs are. But sadness is part of who I am, for better or worse. It's in my writing, in my speech, and in my every day appearance. I'm not exactly proud of it, but if that's the way I live, than that's the way I live. I want to give a track by track analysis to give you a better understanding of why I am the way I am, and furthermore how I live. Here goes nothing.

Track 1: Radiohead - Creep from the album Pablo Honey

I started it off with this alt-rock classic because it's sort of how I feel about myself at the very base of my life. "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo... I don't belong here" is a recurring thought of mine. And, of course, "you're so fucking special / I wish I was special" is another one of those lines the resonate with me.

Track 2: Everclear - One Hit Wonder from the album So Much For the Afterglow

One line, repeated over and over again, says it all for me: "They can't hurt you unless you let them." It has become my motto over the years. I realize, that although there are plenty of people that care about me, there are many more that don't. No matter what those people do, I won't let them get to me. I can't, or I won't be able to live. Even I want to live, sometimes.

Track 3: Stabbing Westward - Waking Up Beside You from the album Darkest Days

This song reminds me of some of the girlfriends I've had. Waking up beside them, being held by them is one thing I sincerely miss. When Chris Hall goes into details, like when he sings "And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair," those are my favorite parts of the song. Those little things in my relationships are the things that stay with me the longest.

Track 4: Superdrag - Sucked Out from the album Regretfully Yours

If "Waking Up Beside You" is what I remember from the relationships, this is how I feel after they end. Who sucked out the feeling?

Track 5: Marilyn Manson - Man That You Fear from the album Antichrist Superstar

I wasn't trying to be heavy-handed when I picked this track. I guess when I was in high school certain people didn't mess with me because they were actually afraid of me to some extent, which is kind of cool when you think about it. Also, "the boy that you loved is the man that you fear" just reminds me how much I've changed since I was a little boy. I don't remember being exceptionally sweet, but I know I was nothing like I am now.

Track 6: Local H - Nothing Special from the album As Good As Dead

This song was also a candidate to start off the album. Because, let's face it, I'm nothing special. I'm your average guy. But this song is also about living in an ass-backwards suburb, sort of like where I'm from. And the people in the song lead boring, repetitive lives, also like where I live. So that warrants me putting it on this soundtrack.

Track 7: Blink 182 - Wasting Time from the album Cheshire Cat

This song about girls perfectly describes my everyday (non)relationship with them.

Sometimes I sit at home and
wonder if she's sitting at home
thinking of me and wondering if I'm
sitting at home, thinking about her
or am I just wasting my time

Somehow I think I am wasting my time. I don't want to list the rest of the lyrics here, but they are so "me" as well.

Track 8: Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright from the album Americana

This song isn't as much about me as it is about people I grew up with. The whole song tells about how when you're little you think everyone's going to make it through alright, and as you get older not everyone makes it. My friend Richard told me about some girls I went to grade school with, and how one was now pregnant, another heavily into drugs. That story inspired the selection of this song.

Track 9: Smashing Pumpkins - The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right) from the 33 single

One of the lines repeated is "disconnected by your smile." You can go to the DBYS site to find out what I mean by that in detail. Basically, when people show interest, or are nice to me when they don't have to be... it disconnects me from the day-to-day ups and downs I go through. Also, some spoken phrases in the song like "I've always been afraid to die, but I think I'm more afraid to live" strike a chord with me. Because I know that's half my problem. I'm afraid to really live.

Track 10: New Found Glory - Boy Crazy from the album New Found Glory

Gay jokes aside, the opening of this song is what plays through my head when I want to talk to a girl. "What kind of pickup line was that?" one girl asks, well another one says "Eww, did you smell that?" The whole bit about "some girls are crazy" is dead on.

Track 11: Metallica - Holier Than Thou from the album MetallicaM

This is my english major song. I just get this vibe that other english majors think they're better than everyone else.

Track 12: Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes from the album Eudora

I started with the emo later on the disc because it was introduced to me later in my life. "You're falling in love while I just fall apart" seems to be a theme of my life lately.

Track 13: Saves The Day - Sell All My Old Clothes, I'm Off To Heaven from the album Another Year On The Streets Vol 1

I often find myself wondering, when I see couples walking together, why they're together... why they've found someone... and why I sit alone. What do they have that I don't have is the theme of the song.

Track 14: Alkaline Trio - This Is Getting Over You from the album Alkaline Trio

Alkaline Trio's songs usually mention drinking in one capacity or another, and this one does as well. Drowning girls (by drinking alcohol) is a game I play!

Track 15: Weezer - The Good Life from the album Pinkerton

Gee, the first optimistic track 15 songs in. Who would've thought. This is all about me wanting to get back into the swing of things, when they were good. Believe it or not, there were good periods in my 21 years. This is the song that can inspire me to do so.

Track 16: Dashboard Confessional - Anyone, Anyone. from the Drowning EP

It was hard to pick a DC song, but I knew it was inevitable that there would be one on here somewhere. "I never mastered disinterest" is the key line here.

Track 17: John Lennon - Watching The Wheels from the album The John Lennon Collection

This song is about just going through the motions because the one thing you're looking for is gone. I don't know what I'm looking for quite yet, but I do know that I spend a lot of my time "just watching the wheels go round and round."

Track 18: Tool - Lateralus from the album Lateralus

I ended the CD on an optimistic note. This song speaks to me on so many different levels. I could list so many quotes here, it's not even funny. "Over thinking, over analyzing seperates the body from the mind" has become another thing to live by. The most moving verse comes at the end of the song when Maynard says:

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out.
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

I get chills down my spine. I really do.

So there you go, 78 minutes worth of me. Great. In the words of Maynard James Kennan (from Lateralus again) "Keep going. Spiral out."

Some random stats from my brithday:

Beers: 8
Shots: 6
Tidal Waves: (splashes of water from the bartender) 2
Bedtime: 3:30 AM