Wow, I've been neglecting this
I relaize I've been away for awhile, not writing, wallowing in my sadness or whatever the emotion of the day is. I haven't done any work on anything really, and more of that is to come. It's the end of the semester, and I'm fucking swamped with work. It sucks, but I will deal as I always have.
There was an article on Yahoo News recently, which I found through FARK (of course) that had reported the results of a survey. The survey covered a bunch of other countries in the world, and what they thought of America. It can be found here. I'm not surprised by the results at all, but I still have a few things to say about it.
The article says that our (America's) reputation is declining in 19 out of 44 countries surveyed. It's not just the Muslim--populated countries, even Canada thinks we're getting worse and worse. I tend to agree on some level. We are bastards who do things our way, and if you don't like it, tough shit. In a "global" world, that just doesn't fly. I know Saddam needs to be taken out, and the world agrees to some effect, but to do it ourselves, against everyone's wishes? That's just being stupid. It may seem easy, Iraq's not exactly the most formidable opponent. But we thought that last time too, and look what happened. Hell, we thought that about Vietnam. Last time I checked we got our asses handed to us there.
I know it's good to be patrotic, and to love your country and all that... but a blind following of it is retarded. Hitler got in power that way...
I don't want to write too much on that situation with Iraq though, I think enough has been said and discussed already. There were a few points I'd like to talk about though. The first one is that those surveyed still like our entertainment, despite our supposed bad values. I'm starting to think that the rest of the world isn't as intelligent and classy as they'd like to think. Our entertainment sucks. Cookie cutter movies and bands? What the hell is wrong with you? Though I suppose they don't have nearly the wealth of options as we do here, so I guess I'll give them that.
Another thing that the survey said was that some countries that they don't think WE do enough to help the world's problems. Make up your minds! Either you want us there or you don't! I guess we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. Personally, I'm all for isolationism. I think we should stay the fuck out of the world's problems for a while and see what happens. Maybe they'll come begging to us for aid, maybe they won't. Either way, we win. How can you hate us if we aren't involved?
My last point I want to touch on is that the world thinks it's safer with only one superpower. Even Russia said this, and they we're the world's last superpower to fall. I don't know if I agree. With only one, they pretty much control what goes on. I don't like that one bit. It's like having a dictator control the world... and I wouldn't be surprised if there were people out there who think of the US as such. I know the complications of having more than one superpower. They'll constantly be competing and whatnot, like in the Cold War. I think we're past that now. I think if we had more than one, sort of like all the countries in the UN Security Council, the world would be a better place. I suppose that's the whole point of the UN, but right now it doesn't seem to matter because we're going against them anyways. But whatever...
I'm not a US hater, or a liberal hippie either. But I see that there are things wrong that need to be fixed before we turn everyone against us. I don't care how strong or arrogant this country is, we just can't have that. I don't know much about politics, so maybe I shouldn't be talking about this, but I the article just inspired me to say something.
Song of the moment - Drunk Again - Everclear
Friday, December 06, 2002
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Late night blogging continues.
I don't have any idea why (do I ever?) I've been staying up so late these past few days. I'm certainly not doing anything productive with my time. I'm not doing homework, that's for damn sure, and I'm not really writing either. Most likely, I'm sitting here staring at this screen or playing counter-strike. But enough of that...
I was recently linked to Death Clock by Ken, and it told me I'd die in 2039 or something. which would make me about 59. That's all fine and good, but I think I'd put my death at around 40. Seriously.
My dentist tells me that I'm gonna need dentures by 35 or 40 because I don't take care of my teeth very well. Don't go thinking that I don't brush my teeth, because I do. But they'd like me to do it 3 times a day, with flossing. And no soda or sugar or anything else remotely fun to eat or drink, because it'll kill my already ruined gums. I got to thinking maybe I won't need dentures, because I'll be dead by then.
I look at it this way. I have the worst diet ever. True, I'm a college kid on a budget that can't afford to eat a decent meal every day. My breakfast might be a waffle or some cereal, which is fine. But sometimes doritos and coke for lunch just doesn't cut it. I'm not even talking about that though. Ever since I can remember, I haven't eaten veggies. Maybe some potatoes here, some corn there, but nothing else. Plus I eat junk food more than the average person, I'm sure. Combine that with my love for bloody red meat and greasy favorites like french fries or cheese pizza from pizza hut and you've got a recipe for DEATH.
It doesn't stop there my friends. I smoke like a fiend, so of course I can't exercise now. Not that you'd say I need to; I'm 6 feet tall and weigh 165 pounds. I've never been able to get fat. Then again I can't run a mile without having to keel over and die. So there go my lungs.
My mental health probably isn't the best either. I'm not insane, or mentally retarded or anything like that. But if you haven't noticed I don't have the best outlook on life. I'm depressed, bummed, whatever you want to call it almost constantly. I'm never excited about anything. I've lost the passion for life, if I ever had it to begin with. Trust me, it's not healthy, and I'm not really proud of it either. But what the hell am I gonna do?
I don't have any idea why (do I ever?) I've been staying up so late these past few days. I'm certainly not doing anything productive with my time. I'm not doing homework, that's for damn sure, and I'm not really writing either. Most likely, I'm sitting here staring at this screen or playing counter-strike. But enough of that...
I was recently linked to Death Clock by Ken, and it told me I'd die in 2039 or something. which would make me about 59. That's all fine and good, but I think I'd put my death at around 40. Seriously.
My dentist tells me that I'm gonna need dentures by 35 or 40 because I don't take care of my teeth very well. Don't go thinking that I don't brush my teeth, because I do. But they'd like me to do it 3 times a day, with flossing. And no soda or sugar or anything else remotely fun to eat or drink, because it'll kill my already ruined gums. I got to thinking maybe I won't need dentures, because I'll be dead by then.
I look at it this way. I have the worst diet ever. True, I'm a college kid on a budget that can't afford to eat a decent meal every day. My breakfast might be a waffle or some cereal, which is fine. But sometimes doritos and coke for lunch just doesn't cut it. I'm not even talking about that though. Ever since I can remember, I haven't eaten veggies. Maybe some potatoes here, some corn there, but nothing else. Plus I eat junk food more than the average person, I'm sure. Combine that with my love for bloody red meat and greasy favorites like french fries or cheese pizza from pizza hut and you've got a recipe for DEATH.
It doesn't stop there my friends. I smoke like a fiend, so of course I can't exercise now. Not that you'd say I need to; I'm 6 feet tall and weigh 165 pounds. I've never been able to get fat. Then again I can't run a mile without having to keel over and die. So there go my lungs.
My mental health probably isn't the best either. I'm not insane, or mentally retarded or anything like that. But if you haven't noticed I don't have the best outlook on life. I'm depressed, bummed, whatever you want to call it almost constantly. I'm never excited about anything. I've lost the passion for life, if I ever had it to begin with. Trust me, it's not healthy, and I'm not really proud of it either. But what the hell am I gonna do?
Monday, November 18, 2002
Some news and other things
In the words of Elton John in "Rocket Man" it's been a "long long long long time" since I've posted, obviously. I couldn't tell you why, because I don't know myself. I guess I just didn't feel like writing anything, so I didn't. I don't know if anybody clicks on the other links, but the other web sites I run are on their deathbeds, at least in their current forms. Why? Because I'm lazy and don't feel like doing a site that requires (in theory) at least an update a week. I know it's ironic that I'm still doing this one, but let's not go there... I don't have to anything but type words and the occasional HTML code for the blog.
I suppose there are other reasons for my disinterest in webmastering. My partner in crime, Ken (see his blog in the links section), has all of the sudden taken it upon himself to start learning the basics of being a webmaster. Now, you might be thinking, as I did, that maybe some of the responsibilities of Dissention or Disconnected By Your Smile could be shifted his way. Well, to do some of the things I did, you'd have to have some advanced knowledge of HTML and Photoshop, neither of which he possesses at this time. Which is cool, 'cause he wants to do his own thing, and more power to him for that.
On that note, Dissention is dead. No more e/n content-based web site for me. It'll be replaced by the tentatively-named Kevin's Ultimate Waste of Space. Basically it will be a personal site with a bio, pictures, links, a subsite for my radio show, and whatever else I come up with at the time. It's more for people to find out a bit about me, since I have the hardest time actually, physically telling people about myself.
DBYS is also dead. Ken's work will be moved off since he's making his own site for that. I'll keep mine on for sure, as an archive of my past writing. But the poetry/songs won't be updated, as I want to take a break on that to focus on short stories. I don't think I have anything more to say with a song. Lately, whenever I want to write like that, I can't. I put my pen to the paper, or my fingers to the keyboard and nothing comes out. Not that I've written a plethora of stories either, but my experiences this year have led to some ideas and I want to commit them to a full-fledged piece of work.
If you're one of those rare people who liked my rants and essays, fear not because that's exactly why I'm keeping this blogger updated (I will do a better job this time, I swear). My trademark fucked-up humor and forever pessimistic attitude will still be alive and well on Disconnected.
I think that's all I have to say for now.
In the words of Elton John in "Rocket Man" it's been a "long long long long time" since I've posted, obviously. I couldn't tell you why, because I don't know myself. I guess I just didn't feel like writing anything, so I didn't. I don't know if anybody clicks on the other links, but the other web sites I run are on their deathbeds, at least in their current forms. Why? Because I'm lazy and don't feel like doing a site that requires (in theory) at least an update a week. I know it's ironic that I'm still doing this one, but let's not go there... I don't have to anything but type words and the occasional HTML code for the blog.
I suppose there are other reasons for my disinterest in webmastering. My partner in crime, Ken (see his blog in the links section), has all of the sudden taken it upon himself to start learning the basics of being a webmaster. Now, you might be thinking, as I did, that maybe some of the responsibilities of Dissention or Disconnected By Your Smile could be shifted his way. Well, to do some of the things I did, you'd have to have some advanced knowledge of HTML and Photoshop, neither of which he possesses at this time. Which is cool, 'cause he wants to do his own thing, and more power to him for that.
On that note, Dissention is dead. No more e/n content-based web site for me. It'll be replaced by the tentatively-named Kevin's Ultimate Waste of Space. Basically it will be a personal site with a bio, pictures, links, a subsite for my radio show, and whatever else I come up with at the time. It's more for people to find out a bit about me, since I have the hardest time actually, physically telling people about myself.
DBYS is also dead. Ken's work will be moved off since he's making his own site for that. I'll keep mine on for sure, as an archive of my past writing. But the poetry/songs won't be updated, as I want to take a break on that to focus on short stories. I don't think I have anything more to say with a song. Lately, whenever I want to write like that, I can't. I put my pen to the paper, or my fingers to the keyboard and nothing comes out. Not that I've written a plethora of stories either, but my experiences this year have led to some ideas and I want to commit them to a full-fledged piece of work.
If you're one of those rare people who liked my rants and essays, fear not because that's exactly why I'm keeping this blogger updated (I will do a better job this time, I swear). My trademark fucked-up humor and forever pessimistic attitude will still be alive and well on Disconnected.
I think that's all I have to say for now.
Friday, November 01, 2002
The Beatles
They are the best band of all time, not that you didn't know that already. I can put any of their albums on, early era or late, and just drift away to it. I've never heard a Beatles song that makes me feel sad. Even their sadder songs make me feel good. It must be because their lyrics are about the everyday in's-and-out's of life. I'm not going to argue that they were the innovators of everything because they weren't. When the Beatles first started out, they did mostly covers of 50's tunes. But they certainly influenced generations of musicians, and are still doing so today.
Take Beck for example, today he's the master of genre-hopping music. Where do you think some of that came from? Can you say the White Album? Or Abbey Road? That's what I thought. Black Sabbath went on with their careers because of what the Beatles were doing. If four boys from Liverpool, England could do it, so could Black Sabbath.
A lot of people argue that The Beatles' early material wasn't very good. And maybe from a musical standpoint it wasn't... but I can't help but taking the critics' view that their early music was and is still fresh today. It's weird, I listen to some songs from pop radio (not teeny-bopper music, but general guitar-driven pop) and I immediately hear echoes of the Beatles early music. Don'y believe me? Put on A Hard Days Night sometime, then listen to Matchbox 20 or something.
Some of the Beatles' later stuff is mindblowing, but some is rather forgettable. I guess all the drugs were starting to take effect on their music. Sgt. Pepper is one of the best albums of all time, hands down. A Day In The Life is one of their best songs ever. Personally I think the White Album could've been edited into 1 disc, and it would've have stodd up to Pepper and Revolver and all the other albums the critics rave about.
I think they ended on a good note with Abbey Road, where they returned to their rock and blues roots. "Something" should be one of the best love songs ever written. After that of course, the Beatles went on to successful solo careers, and I enjoy the solo work too. Especially that of John Lennon and George Harrison.
So yeah, I've been having a Beatles day all day today... I feel at peace with who I am, for at least a little while.
Current song: Beatles - In My Life from Rubber Soul
They are the best band of all time, not that you didn't know that already. I can put any of their albums on, early era or late, and just drift away to it. I've never heard a Beatles song that makes me feel sad. Even their sadder songs make me feel good. It must be because their lyrics are about the everyday in's-and-out's of life. I'm not going to argue that they were the innovators of everything because they weren't. When the Beatles first started out, they did mostly covers of 50's tunes. But they certainly influenced generations of musicians, and are still doing so today.
Take Beck for example, today he's the master of genre-hopping music. Where do you think some of that came from? Can you say the White Album? Or Abbey Road? That's what I thought. Black Sabbath went on with their careers because of what the Beatles were doing. If four boys from Liverpool, England could do it, so could Black Sabbath.
A lot of people argue that The Beatles' early material wasn't very good. And maybe from a musical standpoint it wasn't... but I can't help but taking the critics' view that their early music was and is still fresh today. It's weird, I listen to some songs from pop radio (not teeny-bopper music, but general guitar-driven pop) and I immediately hear echoes of the Beatles early music. Don'y believe me? Put on A Hard Days Night sometime, then listen to Matchbox 20 or something.
Some of the Beatles' later stuff is mindblowing, but some is rather forgettable. I guess all the drugs were starting to take effect on their music. Sgt. Pepper is one of the best albums of all time, hands down. A Day In The Life is one of their best songs ever. Personally I think the White Album could've been edited into 1 disc, and it would've have stodd up to Pepper and Revolver and all the other albums the critics rave about.
I think they ended on a good note with Abbey Road, where they returned to their rock and blues roots. "Something" should be one of the best love songs ever written. After that of course, the Beatles went on to successful solo careers, and I enjoy the solo work too. Especially that of John Lennon and George Harrison.
So yeah, I've been having a Beatles day all day today... I feel at peace with who I am, for at least a little while.
Current song: Beatles - In My Life from Rubber Soul
Thursday, October 31, 2002
What should I write about?
I really wanted this to be a substitute for Dissention, cause I guess I got sick of it for some reason. It's not like it was an obligation in my life or anything... but as those of you who know me well I get tired of things easily, and a web site is no different. But I come here and realize I have nothing to say. I don't have the slightest idea why that is. I quit, for now.
I really wanted this to be a substitute for Dissention, cause I guess I got sick of it for some reason. It's not like it was an obligation in my life or anything... but as those of you who know me well I get tired of things easily, and a web site is no different. But I come here and realize I have nothing to say. I don't have the slightest idea why that is. I quit, for now.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
The Soundtrack of My Life
Yeah, so my birthday came and went. I'm 21 now, so I guess that means I can legally get ferschnickered (sorry, I was having a Mel Brooks moment there). And as usual I marked an important period in my life with a compilation cd. This time around it's songs that have really meant something throughout my life, especially in my teenage/college years. As you can probably guess, many of the songs are about loss, misery, and despair. My life may not be as melancholy as the songs are. But sadness is part of who I am, for better or worse. It's in my writing, in my speech, and in my every day appearance. I'm not exactly proud of it, but if that's the way I live, than that's the way I live. I want to give a track by track analysis to give you a better understanding of why I am the way I am, and furthermore how I live. Here goes nothing.
Track 1: Radiohead - Creep from the album Pablo Honey
I started it off with this alt-rock classic because it's sort of how I feel about myself at the very base of my life. "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo... I don't belong here" is a recurring thought of mine. And, of course, "you're so fucking special / I wish I was special" is another one of those lines the resonate with me.
Track 2: Everclear - One Hit Wonder from the album So Much For the Afterglow
One line, repeated over and over again, says it all for me: "They can't hurt you unless you let them." It has become my motto over the years. I realize, that although there are plenty of people that care about me, there are many more that don't. No matter what those people do, I won't let them get to me. I can't, or I won't be able to live. Even I want to live, sometimes.
Track 3: Stabbing Westward - Waking Up Beside You from the album Darkest Days
This song reminds me of some of the girlfriends I've had. Waking up beside them, being held by them is one thing I sincerely miss. When Chris Hall goes into details, like when he sings "And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair," those are my favorite parts of the song. Those little things in my relationships are the things that stay with me the longest.
Track 4: Superdrag - Sucked Out from the album Regretfully Yours
If "Waking Up Beside You" is what I remember from the relationships, this is how I feel after they end. Who sucked out the feeling?
Track 5: Marilyn Manson - Man That You Fear from the album Antichrist Superstar
I wasn't trying to be heavy-handed when I picked this track. I guess when I was in high school certain people didn't mess with me because they were actually afraid of me to some extent, which is kind of cool when you think about it. Also, "the boy that you loved is the man that you fear" just reminds me how much I've changed since I was a little boy. I don't remember being exceptionally sweet, but I know I was nothing like I am now.
Track 6: Local H - Nothing Special from the album As Good As Dead
This song was also a candidate to start off the album. Because, let's face it, I'm nothing special. I'm your average guy. But this song is also about living in an ass-backwards suburb, sort of like where I'm from. And the people in the song lead boring, repetitive lives, also like where I live. So that warrants me putting it on this soundtrack.
Track 7: Blink 182 - Wasting Time from the album Cheshire Cat
This song about girls perfectly describes my everyday (non)relationship with them.
Sometimes I sit at home and
wonder if she's sitting at home
thinking of me and wondering if I'm
sitting at home, thinking about her
or am I just wasting my time
Somehow I think I am wasting my time. I don't want to list the rest of the lyrics here, but they are so "me" as well.
Track 8: Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright from the album Americana
This song isn't as much about me as it is about people I grew up with. The whole song tells about how when you're little you think everyone's going to make it through alright, and as you get older not everyone makes it. My friend Richard told me about some girls I went to grade school with, and how one was now pregnant, another heavily into drugs. That story inspired the selection of this song.
Track 9: Smashing Pumpkins - The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right) from the 33 single
One of the lines repeated is "disconnected by your smile." You can go to the DBYS site to find out what I mean by that in detail. Basically, when people show interest, or are nice to me when they don't have to be... it disconnects me from the day-to-day ups and downs I go through. Also, some spoken phrases in the song like "I've always been afraid to die, but I think I'm more afraid to live" strike a chord with me. Because I know that's half my problem. I'm afraid to really live.
Track 10: New Found Glory - Boy Crazy from the album New Found Glory
Gay jokes aside, the opening of this song is what plays through my head when I want to talk to a girl. "What kind of pickup line was that?" one girl asks, well another one says "Eww, did you smell that?" The whole bit about "some girls are crazy" is dead on.
Track 11: Metallica - Holier Than Thou from the album MetallicaM
This is my english major song. I just get this vibe that other english majors think they're better than everyone else.
Track 12: Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes from the album Eudora
I started with the emo later on the disc because it was introduced to me later in my life. "You're falling in love while I just fall apart" seems to be a theme of my life lately.
Track 13: Saves The Day - Sell All My Old Clothes, I'm Off To Heaven from the album Another Year On The Streets Vol 1
I often find myself wondering, when I see couples walking together, why they're together... why they've found someone... and why I sit alone. What do they have that I don't have is the theme of the song.
Track 14: Alkaline Trio - This Is Getting Over You from the album Alkaline Trio
Alkaline Trio's songs usually mention drinking in one capacity or another, and this one does as well. Drowning girls (by drinking alcohol) is a game I play!
Track 15: Weezer - The Good Life from the album Pinkerton
Gee, the first optimistic track 15 songs in. Who would've thought. This is all about me wanting to get back into the swing of things, when they were good. Believe it or not, there were good periods in my 21 years. This is the song that can inspire me to do so.
Track 16: Dashboard Confessional - Anyone, Anyone. from the Drowning EP
It was hard to pick a DC song, but I knew it was inevitable that there would be one on here somewhere. "I never mastered disinterest" is the key line here.
Track 17: John Lennon - Watching The Wheels from the album The John Lennon Collection
This song is about just going through the motions because the one thing you're looking for is gone. I don't know what I'm looking for quite yet, but I do know that I spend a lot of my time "just watching the wheels go round and round."
Track 18: Tool - Lateralus from the album Lateralus
I ended the CD on an optimistic note. This song speaks to me on so many different levels. I could list so many quotes here, it's not even funny. "Over thinking, over analyzing seperates the body from the mind" has become another thing to live by. The most moving verse comes at the end of the song when Maynard says:
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out.
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
I get chills down my spine. I really do.
So there you go, 78 minutes worth of me. Great. In the words of Maynard James Kennan (from Lateralus again) "Keep going. Spiral out."
Some random stats from my brithday:
Beers: 8
Shots: 6
Tidal Waves: (splashes of water from the bartender) 2
Bedtime: 3:30 AM
Yeah, so my birthday came and went. I'm 21 now, so I guess that means I can legally get ferschnickered (sorry, I was having a Mel Brooks moment there). And as usual I marked an important period in my life with a compilation cd. This time around it's songs that have really meant something throughout my life, especially in my teenage/college years. As you can probably guess, many of the songs are about loss, misery, and despair. My life may not be as melancholy as the songs are. But sadness is part of who I am, for better or worse. It's in my writing, in my speech, and in my every day appearance. I'm not exactly proud of it, but if that's the way I live, than that's the way I live. I want to give a track by track analysis to give you a better understanding of why I am the way I am, and furthermore how I live. Here goes nothing.
Track 1: Radiohead - Creep from the album Pablo Honey
I started it off with this alt-rock classic because it's sort of how I feel about myself at the very base of my life. "I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo... I don't belong here" is a recurring thought of mine. And, of course, "you're so fucking special / I wish I was special" is another one of those lines the resonate with me.
Track 2: Everclear - One Hit Wonder from the album So Much For the Afterglow
One line, repeated over and over again, says it all for me: "They can't hurt you unless you let them." It has become my motto over the years. I realize, that although there are plenty of people that care about me, there are many more that don't. No matter what those people do, I won't let them get to me. I can't, or I won't be able to live. Even I want to live, sometimes.
Track 3: Stabbing Westward - Waking Up Beside You from the album Darkest Days
This song reminds me of some of the girlfriends I've had. Waking up beside them, being held by them is one thing I sincerely miss. When Chris Hall goes into details, like when he sings "And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair," those are my favorite parts of the song. Those little things in my relationships are the things that stay with me the longest.
Track 4: Superdrag - Sucked Out from the album Regretfully Yours
If "Waking Up Beside You" is what I remember from the relationships, this is how I feel after they end. Who sucked out the feeling?
Track 5: Marilyn Manson - Man That You Fear from the album Antichrist Superstar
I wasn't trying to be heavy-handed when I picked this track. I guess when I was in high school certain people didn't mess with me because they were actually afraid of me to some extent, which is kind of cool when you think about it. Also, "the boy that you loved is the man that you fear" just reminds me how much I've changed since I was a little boy. I don't remember being exceptionally sweet, but I know I was nothing like I am now.
Track 6: Local H - Nothing Special from the album As Good As Dead
This song was also a candidate to start off the album. Because, let's face it, I'm nothing special. I'm your average guy. But this song is also about living in an ass-backwards suburb, sort of like where I'm from. And the people in the song lead boring, repetitive lives, also like where I live. So that warrants me putting it on this soundtrack.
Track 7: Blink 182 - Wasting Time from the album Cheshire Cat
This song about girls perfectly describes my everyday (non)relationship with them.
Sometimes I sit at home and
wonder if she's sitting at home
thinking of me and wondering if I'm
sitting at home, thinking about her
or am I just wasting my time
Somehow I think I am wasting my time. I don't want to list the rest of the lyrics here, but they are so "me" as well.
Track 8: Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright from the album Americana
This song isn't as much about me as it is about people I grew up with. The whole song tells about how when you're little you think everyone's going to make it through alright, and as you get older not everyone makes it. My friend Richard told me about some girls I went to grade school with, and how one was now pregnant, another heavily into drugs. That story inspired the selection of this song.
Track 9: Smashing Pumpkins - The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right) from the 33 single
One of the lines repeated is "disconnected by your smile." You can go to the DBYS site to find out what I mean by that in detail. Basically, when people show interest, or are nice to me when they don't have to be... it disconnects me from the day-to-day ups and downs I go through. Also, some spoken phrases in the song like "I've always been afraid to die, but I think I'm more afraid to live" strike a chord with me. Because I know that's half my problem. I'm afraid to really live.
Track 10: New Found Glory - Boy Crazy from the album New Found Glory
Gay jokes aside, the opening of this song is what plays through my head when I want to talk to a girl. "What kind of pickup line was that?" one girl asks, well another one says "Eww, did you smell that?" The whole bit about "some girls are crazy" is dead on.
Track 11: Metallica - Holier Than Thou from the album MetallicaM
This is my english major song. I just get this vibe that other english majors think they're better than everyone else.
Track 12: Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes from the album Eudora
I started with the emo later on the disc because it was introduced to me later in my life. "You're falling in love while I just fall apart" seems to be a theme of my life lately.
Track 13: Saves The Day - Sell All My Old Clothes, I'm Off To Heaven from the album Another Year On The Streets Vol 1
I often find myself wondering, when I see couples walking together, why they're together... why they've found someone... and why I sit alone. What do they have that I don't have is the theme of the song.
Track 14: Alkaline Trio - This Is Getting Over You from the album Alkaline Trio
Alkaline Trio's songs usually mention drinking in one capacity or another, and this one does as well. Drowning girls (by drinking alcohol) is a game I play!
Track 15: Weezer - The Good Life from the album Pinkerton
Gee, the first optimistic track 15 songs in. Who would've thought. This is all about me wanting to get back into the swing of things, when they were good. Believe it or not, there were good periods in my 21 years. This is the song that can inspire me to do so.
Track 16: Dashboard Confessional - Anyone, Anyone. from the Drowning EP
It was hard to pick a DC song, but I knew it was inevitable that there would be one on here somewhere. "I never mastered disinterest" is the key line here.
Track 17: John Lennon - Watching The Wheels from the album The John Lennon Collection
This song is about just going through the motions because the one thing you're looking for is gone. I don't know what I'm looking for quite yet, but I do know that I spend a lot of my time "just watching the wheels go round and round."
Track 18: Tool - Lateralus from the album Lateralus
I ended the CD on an optimistic note. This song speaks to me on so many different levels. I could list so many quotes here, it's not even funny. "Over thinking, over analyzing seperates the body from the mind" has become another thing to live by. The most moving verse comes at the end of the song when Maynard says:
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out.
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
I get chills down my spine. I really do.
So there you go, 78 minutes worth of me. Great. In the words of Maynard James Kennan (from Lateralus again) "Keep going. Spiral out."
Some random stats from my brithday:
Beers: 8
Shots: 6
Tidal Waves: (splashes of water from the bartender) 2
Bedtime: 3:30 AM
Saturday, October 19, 2002
Never work at a library.
I feel really bad about my last post, I really do. I feel like I cheated myself or something. I keep saying I'm a goddamn writer, and people keep telling me I'm a goddamn good writer, yet I have nothing to say. It's been getting to me lately.
So here I sit at work, at the exquisite Harold Andersen Library in Whitewater, WI. As you can tell, there's not much work to be done here, especially on a Saturday afternoon. No one is in here (almost) because they all went home to mommy and daddy and their weekend jobs. But it's OK, I won't complain; I'm making an extra 20 bucks for working this extra shift.
I've had jobs before, but nothing at all like this. Well, I take that back. During the week I work in the office of the library, and my first job experience was in an office environment. Now you're thinking, how the hell does a 17-year old kid get a job in an office? The answer: My mom. She works for an insurance company, and when I was a junior in high school, I got this great idea that I wanted to work there. I spent the next 3 years (on and off) complaining about it every second I could. It was like Office Space, only it took place in a mail room. Sure, there were many days I had nothing to do. Delivering mail 8 times a day to different departments got quite old after awhile, and so did the other butt jobs they gave me. Butt jobs meaning "given because no one else in their right mind would do them." But it was really OK, despite my complaints. The people down there made it all better because they were all on the same level as I, except they were all adults, and I was a stupid kid. No where else but there in that mail room could I hear an old black man tell me that "pussy is pussy" and that he was gonna get me a call girl so I could get laid. Furthermore, as time went on I made more and more money. I started at 6.25/hr and finished at 10.50. How many 19-20 year olds make that kind of money?
So that wasn't the worst experience of my life. During school breaks I would come back to work for them through a temp agency (that's where the 10.50 figure comes from) and things would be good. Then last year they relocated me to another mail division. My job: Feed papers through a folder machine. That's all I did. 8 hours a day, I did folding jobs. It was the most redundant job EVER. But who the hell is going to complain (at least as a kid with no bills, etc) for ten bucks an hour. And later on, I figured out I could listen to headphones to drown out the roars of that damned machine. I complained every day how much that job sucked and I was glad when it was over.
That brings us to my summer job, the thrift store. That was the classic example of a business exploiting teenagers, or at least teenagers that really don't want to work for a living. My job, for the most part, was cleaning up after other people's messes. Whether it be the other workers' or the dirty customers that came into the store. For a person that is perfectly comfortable with living in his own filth, this is not an ideal job. Especially not for a measly six dollars an hour. But, like the mail room, the saving grace for this job was the people. Again, everyone was on my basic level. A wide variety of kids worked at that place, and most of them never failed to keep me amused. If it wasn't for Cheech and Chong, Dumb and Dumber, and the five dollar gift cards, I don't know what I would've done. Add to that the fact that we actually had a customer who looked like Chong, got in some kick-ass records, and just had an all-around fun time screwing around... and Value Village doesn't look so bad. But, sadly (yeah right), I won't be going back there to work any time soon. That's another story in and of itself.
The library takes the cake for my all-time worst job though. What sucks is I'm going to write this and it's not going to seem so bad. I mean, I only work 9 hours a week. But, 6 of those are devoted to the office, where I can't talk to anyone, even if I wanted to. I work alone, which under most circumstances is cool. But after 2 years of this, I can't take it anymore. It's mindnumbingly boring to sit and bind old magazines, even for two hours. I can't quit; this is a work study job and I need the money to pay for beer. And my apartment. I suppose when I work the desk it's cool. I always seem to get the shifts where no one is in the library, which is awesome because I hate helping people and I like to waste time. Which is what I do best. I sit and surf the web, read TIME and ROLLING STONE. The info desk is a great job, really. But the rest of the library gig sucks ass and I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to do this for a living. I don't like books that much.
DUE TO BOREDOM, I give you the Hot or Not Girl of the moment EXTRAVAGANZA!
I'd hit it. She's nippin'
MMM More cleavage
I'm really starting to dig redheads.
What can I say? I like boobs.
A goth chick for Ken.
Not only is she sexy, she knows how to use Photoshop.
BOOBIES!
Meow indeed!
Someone slap this poser please.
Jailbait
And just to one-up the bastard, here's MY song of the moment: Nirvana - "You Know You're Right"
I feel really bad about my last post, I really do. I feel like I cheated myself or something. I keep saying I'm a goddamn writer, and people keep telling me I'm a goddamn good writer, yet I have nothing to say. It's been getting to me lately.
So here I sit at work, at the exquisite Harold Andersen Library in Whitewater, WI. As you can tell, there's not much work to be done here, especially on a Saturday afternoon. No one is in here (almost) because they all went home to mommy and daddy and their weekend jobs. But it's OK, I won't complain; I'm making an extra 20 bucks for working this extra shift.
I've had jobs before, but nothing at all like this. Well, I take that back. During the week I work in the office of the library, and my first job experience was in an office environment. Now you're thinking, how the hell does a 17-year old kid get a job in an office? The answer: My mom. She works for an insurance company, and when I was a junior in high school, I got this great idea that I wanted to work there. I spent the next 3 years (on and off) complaining about it every second I could. It was like Office Space, only it took place in a mail room. Sure, there were many days I had nothing to do. Delivering mail 8 times a day to different departments got quite old after awhile, and so did the other butt jobs they gave me. Butt jobs meaning "given because no one else in their right mind would do them." But it was really OK, despite my complaints. The people down there made it all better because they were all on the same level as I, except they were all adults, and I was a stupid kid. No where else but there in that mail room could I hear an old black man tell me that "pussy is pussy" and that he was gonna get me a call girl so I could get laid. Furthermore, as time went on I made more and more money. I started at 6.25/hr and finished at 10.50. How many 19-20 year olds make that kind of money?
So that wasn't the worst experience of my life. During school breaks I would come back to work for them through a temp agency (that's where the 10.50 figure comes from) and things would be good. Then last year they relocated me to another mail division. My job: Feed papers through a folder machine. That's all I did. 8 hours a day, I did folding jobs. It was the most redundant job EVER. But who the hell is going to complain (at least as a kid with no bills, etc) for ten bucks an hour. And later on, I figured out I could listen to headphones to drown out the roars of that damned machine. I complained every day how much that job sucked and I was glad when it was over.
That brings us to my summer job, the thrift store. That was the classic example of a business exploiting teenagers, or at least teenagers that really don't want to work for a living. My job, for the most part, was cleaning up after other people's messes. Whether it be the other workers' or the dirty customers that came into the store. For a person that is perfectly comfortable with living in his own filth, this is not an ideal job. Especially not for a measly six dollars an hour. But, like the mail room, the saving grace for this job was the people. Again, everyone was on my basic level. A wide variety of kids worked at that place, and most of them never failed to keep me amused. If it wasn't for Cheech and Chong, Dumb and Dumber, and the five dollar gift cards, I don't know what I would've done. Add to that the fact that we actually had a customer who looked like Chong, got in some kick-ass records, and just had an all-around fun time screwing around... and Value Village doesn't look so bad. But, sadly (yeah right), I won't be going back there to work any time soon. That's another story in and of itself.
The library takes the cake for my all-time worst job though. What sucks is I'm going to write this and it's not going to seem so bad. I mean, I only work 9 hours a week. But, 6 of those are devoted to the office, where I can't talk to anyone, even if I wanted to. I work alone, which under most circumstances is cool. But after 2 years of this, I can't take it anymore. It's mindnumbingly boring to sit and bind old magazines, even for two hours. I can't quit; this is a work study job and I need the money to pay for beer. And my apartment. I suppose when I work the desk it's cool. I always seem to get the shifts where no one is in the library, which is awesome because I hate helping people and I like to waste time. Which is what I do best. I sit and surf the web, read TIME and ROLLING STONE. The info desk is a great job, really. But the rest of the library gig sucks ass and I'd shoot myself in the head if I had to do this for a living. I don't like books that much.
DUE TO BOREDOM, I give you the Hot or Not Girl of the moment EXTRAVAGANZA!
I'd hit it. She's nippin'
MMM More cleavage
I'm really starting to dig redheads.
What can I say? I like boobs.
A goth chick for Ken.
Not only is she sexy, she knows how to use Photoshop.
BOOBIES!
Meow indeed!
Someone slap this poser please.
Jailbait
And just to one-up the bastard, here's MY song of the moment: Nirvana - "You Know You're Right"
Thursday, October 17, 2002
Same old, same old.
It's been awhile since I've talked at you, and there's really nothing new to report from here. I'm still as bitter and jaded and unexcited as you remember me. For some reason, I've been doing a lot of Photoshopping on FARK.com. I don't really know if I'm very good at it, but I don't care. It passes the time. I've also been playing a lot of old-school NES games. It sort of takes me back to a better, more careless time. I really don't know what else to write, as I'm drawing a blank. I see and feel nothing at this moment. I think I'll go back to playing Tecmo Super Bowl.
It's been awhile since I've talked at you, and there's really nothing new to report from here. I'm still as bitter and jaded and unexcited as you remember me. For some reason, I've been doing a lot of Photoshopping on FARK.com. I don't really know if I'm very good at it, but I don't care. It passes the time. I've also been playing a lot of old-school NES games. It sort of takes me back to a better, more careless time. I really don't know what else to write, as I'm drawing a blank. I see and feel nothing at this moment. I think I'll go back to playing Tecmo Super Bowl.
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
I hate chalk too.
I'm not talking about the kind that's used to write certain phrases from a certain stoner movie on the back of a certain place of employment. No, I love that chalk; The kind that would have gotten me fired, and may have even gotten me a ticket. Because you see, cops don't always see the difference between jokes and misdemeanors. But let's not talk about that old nonsense. I'm talking about the kind of chalk that people use to mark up every goddamn sidewalk on this campus. It's called "chalking" and it's the cheapest form of advertising around here. Every student organization uses it. Hopefully, many of the actual students despise it. It's an eyesore that needs to be stopped.
It's total chaos out there right now - it's homecoming week - and it pisses me off. Does anyone really care about a stupid football game, or are these student orgs just forced to show school spirit? Last time I checked, homecoming was a high school concept. I knew it existed in college, but I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. It is. The chalkings started last week, and unfortunately didn't have a camera with me. Finally, someone rebelled. The joke chalkings ranged from the clever - "Wells 4 Bush" complete with a sketch of a naked woman and an arrow pointing to that part of her anatomy - to the cliche (Got Pot?). Another one read "...And that's how I first got Herpes!" Pure comedy gold. Seriously, that made my day. But as this week started, more and more chalkings started appearing, saying how mucheach org or frat or dorm loved the Warhawks. Bullshit. Really, who gives a fuck?
I had the idea to chalk when people were advertising for their fraternities or sororities. I wanted to start my own self-proclaimed "Frorority" for both guys and girls. Never mind that when a greek organization is co-ed, it's still called a fraternity. I don't care. I figured the letters would be Alpha Omega, as in the beginning and the end (of all frats). My selling point: WE HAVE HOT BITCHES! And then put my apartment down for the address and tell 'em there'd be beer. People would come, trust me. Of course I never did that because, um, I'm a big pussy.
Anyways, that's why I hate chalk. Have a nice day.
Some more Hot Or Not GIRLS of the moment: Looks like she had too much to drink. I'd hit it, at least a time or three.
I'm not talking about the kind that's used to write certain phrases from a certain stoner movie on the back of a certain place of employment. No, I love that chalk; The kind that would have gotten me fired, and may have even gotten me a ticket. Because you see, cops don't always see the difference between jokes and misdemeanors. But let's not talk about that old nonsense. I'm talking about the kind of chalk that people use to mark up every goddamn sidewalk on this campus. It's called "chalking" and it's the cheapest form of advertising around here. Every student organization uses it. Hopefully, many of the actual students despise it. It's an eyesore that needs to be stopped.
It's total chaos out there right now - it's homecoming week - and it pisses me off. Does anyone really care about a stupid football game, or are these student orgs just forced to show school spirit? Last time I checked, homecoming was a high school concept. I knew it existed in college, but I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. It is. The chalkings started last week, and unfortunately didn't have a camera with me. Finally, someone rebelled. The joke chalkings ranged from the clever - "Wells 4 Bush" complete with a sketch of a naked woman and an arrow pointing to that part of her anatomy - to the cliche (Got Pot?). Another one read "...And that's how I first got Herpes!" Pure comedy gold. Seriously, that made my day. But as this week started, more and more chalkings started appearing, saying how mucheach org or frat or dorm loved the Warhawks. Bullshit. Really, who gives a fuck?
I had the idea to chalk when people were advertising for their fraternities or sororities. I wanted to start my own self-proclaimed "Frorority" for both guys and girls. Never mind that when a greek organization is co-ed, it's still called a fraternity. I don't care. I figured the letters would be Alpha Omega, as in the beginning and the end (of all frats). My selling point: WE HAVE HOT BITCHES! And then put my apartment down for the address and tell 'em there'd be beer. People would come, trust me. Of course I never did that because, um, I'm a big pussy.
Anyways, that's why I hate chalk. Have a nice day.
Some more Hot Or Not GIRLS of the moment: Looks like she had too much to drink. I'd hit it, at least a time or three.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
I hate the internet.
This thing is gonna be the life and death of me, I can just tell. Right now, it is my lifeblood. And I hate its guts. With the internet, I have no reason to leave my apartment except to go to class. Even then, more and more classes are online, and the ones that aren't post pertinent information online anyways. This is my sole form of communication right here folks. It's sad, isn't it? I got an $87 phone bill the other day, and I don't see any reason for having it anymore. No one calls me, except for maybe my mom. I can communicate with all my friends and family online...for free. It's possible to order pizza online now. If Rosa's in Whitewater goes digital, I'm never using my phone again.
The only way I talk to girls is online. Hell, the only way I meet girls is online. That's really bad because supposedly, one of my few charms is my personality, and my online persona and my real-life persona are totally different. I wonder which one people fall in love with first...
What's more disillusioning is that now the Internet is used by damn near everyone, giving the ability to the lowest common denominator to come online and berate me. People in chat rooms are no longer intelligent (were they ever?) and witty. They're just as superficial as in real life. I hate it.
I said before that I don't really do anything but sit in this chair and surf the web and write these rambling posts to you. I'm not exaggerating one bit. I'm supposed to be a goddamn writer and this is the best I can do. Why? Because I haven't experienced anything worth writing about in a long, long time. And you guessed why I haven't, too, I bet. Because I sit behind this screen, with a blank stare on my face. The whole network went down last night, and I didn't do a thing about it. In fact, I still sat in this chair waiting for it to come back up. I didn't go catch a good movie, or read a book to stimulate my mind. I didn't write. I remained passive and watched the Bangbus.
This is really getting to me because the Internet was my cure-all for quite a long time. Now it's another thing that I'm disinterested in... and like Chris Carabba (Dashboard Confessional) says in one of his songs... "I never really mastered disinterest." I don't know where to go from here.
This thing is gonna be the life and death of me, I can just tell. Right now, it is my lifeblood. And I hate its guts. With the internet, I have no reason to leave my apartment except to go to class. Even then, more and more classes are online, and the ones that aren't post pertinent information online anyways. This is my sole form of communication right here folks. It's sad, isn't it? I got an $87 phone bill the other day, and I don't see any reason for having it anymore. No one calls me, except for maybe my mom. I can communicate with all my friends and family online...for free. It's possible to order pizza online now. If Rosa's in Whitewater goes digital, I'm never using my phone again.
The only way I talk to girls is online. Hell, the only way I meet girls is online. That's really bad because supposedly, one of my few charms is my personality, and my online persona and my real-life persona are totally different. I wonder which one people fall in love with first...
What's more disillusioning is that now the Internet is used by damn near everyone, giving the ability to the lowest common denominator to come online and berate me. People in chat rooms are no longer intelligent (were they ever?) and witty. They're just as superficial as in real life. I hate it.
I said before that I don't really do anything but sit in this chair and surf the web and write these rambling posts to you. I'm not exaggerating one bit. I'm supposed to be a goddamn writer and this is the best I can do. Why? Because I haven't experienced anything worth writing about in a long, long time. And you guessed why I haven't, too, I bet. Because I sit behind this screen, with a blank stare on my face. The whole network went down last night, and I didn't do a thing about it. In fact, I still sat in this chair waiting for it to come back up. I didn't go catch a good movie, or read a book to stimulate my mind. I didn't write. I remained passive and watched the Bangbus.
This is really getting to me because the Internet was my cure-all for quite a long time. Now it's another thing that I'm disinterested in... and like Chris Carabba (Dashboard Confessional) says in one of his songs... "I never really mastered disinterest." I don't know where to go from here.
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
My friend the douche bag.
I just wanted to use that as a title. He is a douche bag, but I don't have anything remotely relevant to say about him now. Besides that I hate him. Anyways... I ahve no idea where this came from:
This is the raging alcoholic speaking. I drink alone, like George Thorogood on a really lonely night. Seven or eight beers and 2 hours later I'm seeing double and laying on the ground. I watch porn, and see two money shots. It would be cool except I can't really tell if the girl is cute anymore. But it's porn, so she must be. I hope she is.
I close the bars at 2am, and if I'm really lucky I get up at 6am to open the same bars. The barflies all know me by name, like at George Webb's. It makes me feel good, feel justified. There's no reason to drink, really. I've never gotten laid solely because of the alcohol. I've never really accomplished anythong because of it. I know, that's not the point. The point is to feel good, and there's plenty of that going on. It also helps to forget, for those 3 or 4 or 5 hours that your life really sucks, and on those nights I can go home happy... and wake up angry and worthless. On the real bad nights, I sit in my room and sulk. I listen to the sad-bastard music that only shy 16 year old boys should listen to. Maybe I am a 16 year old boy trapped inside. Or maybe I just want to be 16 again. Things were so great at 16, weren't they?
My life is a cycle that I can never escape. I am a raging alcoholic. Care to share a drink with me?
I just wanted to use that as a title. He is a douche bag, but I don't have anything remotely relevant to say about him now. Besides that I hate him. Anyways... I ahve no idea where this came from:
This is the raging alcoholic speaking. I drink alone, like George Thorogood on a really lonely night. Seven or eight beers and 2 hours later I'm seeing double and laying on the ground. I watch porn, and see two money shots. It would be cool except I can't really tell if the girl is cute anymore. But it's porn, so she must be. I hope she is.
I close the bars at 2am, and if I'm really lucky I get up at 6am to open the same bars. The barflies all know me by name, like at George Webb's. It makes me feel good, feel justified. There's no reason to drink, really. I've never gotten laid solely because of the alcohol. I've never really accomplished anythong because of it. I know, that's not the point. The point is to feel good, and there's plenty of that going on. It also helps to forget, for those 3 or 4 or 5 hours that your life really sucks, and on those nights I can go home happy... and wake up angry and worthless. On the real bad nights, I sit in my room and sulk. I listen to the sad-bastard music that only shy 16 year old boys should listen to. Maybe I am a 16 year old boy trapped inside. Or maybe I just want to be 16 again. Things were so great at 16, weren't they?
My life is a cycle that I can never escape. I am a raging alcoholic. Care to share a drink with me?
Friday, September 27, 2002
The emo girl.
I saw an emo girl the other day walking home from my early Thursday-morning class. The Dashboard Confessional patch and Alkaline Trio pin were dead giveaways. She was really, really cute too; shoulder length curly black hair; a nice body. I guess I didn't get a good look at the front of her, but I'm guessing it was just as lovely as the back. And then I got to thinking, "Would a girl like this actually talk to me?" or even more imporatanly "Do I have the balls to talk to her?" I don't know if I would.
Emo kids, by some sort of a definition, shy, sullen, and lonely. I certainly fit that descripion to a point, and some of the music I listen to helps with that. But I still don't know that you could call me an emo kid. My interests stretch far wider than sitting alone in my parents' basement and trade mixtapes. Sorry for the stereotype, but my point is I'm not really an emo kid. Never mind the fact that I listen to Saves the Day and The Get Up Kids, and I write lyrics screaming of heartbreak and despair. Then again, maybe she's not the stereotypical emo girl at all. In that case, I should go hit it.
Anyways, I don't know if it would work in the long run. I mean, if she really is shy, like you'd expect someone who listens to Dashboard to be... who would do the talking? Someone in my relationships has to talk and it's almost never me. So that wouldn't work. But I'm just speculating here, as I haven't even gotten past the first step of saying "hello." It may as well be a cold day in hell when I do. I'll probably never see her again.
I forgot about the Hot Or Not person of the moment last time, so for your viewing pleasure here are two more HoN people of the moment.
I'd hit 'em both. Twice.
I saw an emo girl the other day walking home from my early Thursday-morning class. The Dashboard Confessional patch and Alkaline Trio pin were dead giveaways. She was really, really cute too; shoulder length curly black hair; a nice body. I guess I didn't get a good look at the front of her, but I'm guessing it was just as lovely as the back. And then I got to thinking, "Would a girl like this actually talk to me?" or even more imporatanly "Do I have the balls to talk to her?" I don't know if I would.
Emo kids, by some sort of a definition, shy, sullen, and lonely. I certainly fit that descripion to a point, and some of the music I listen to helps with that. But I still don't know that you could call me an emo kid. My interests stretch far wider than sitting alone in my parents' basement and trade mixtapes. Sorry for the stereotype, but my point is I'm not really an emo kid. Never mind the fact that I listen to Saves the Day and The Get Up Kids, and I write lyrics screaming of heartbreak and despair. Then again, maybe she's not the stereotypical emo girl at all. In that case, I should go hit it.
Anyways, I don't know if it would work in the long run. I mean, if she really is shy, like you'd expect someone who listens to Dashboard to be... who would do the talking? Someone in my relationships has to talk and it's almost never me. So that wouldn't work. But I'm just speculating here, as I haven't even gotten past the first step of saying "hello." It may as well be a cold day in hell when I do. I'll probably never see her again.
I forgot about the Hot Or Not person of the moment last time, so for your viewing pleasure here are two more HoN people of the moment.
I'd hit 'em both. Twice.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
You're Pretty When I'm Drunk
I suppose it's time that I update. A lot has happened lately, or maybe nothing's really happened at all. Maybe it's just been another day in the life of Kevin, I don't know. I got some recently. Yes, me, your resident loser, the whiner extraordinaire, champion of all that is melancholy got some play the other day. Or days to be clearer. Of course, it first happened under the influence of a lot of alcohol, but it still happened nonetheless. I hope it was all in the spirit of fun. The spirit of being in college, of being alone with nowhere to go. Because that's all I want right now; I don't need the baggage of a relationship. I hope she feels the same way because, though she seems to be one of the least fucked-up girls I know, I don't think I could have a relationship with her. Never mind the fact that I don't want one anyways... even if I did I don't think I'd want one with her. I'm just not attracted, and over the years I've come to realize that I have to be attracted, both physically and emotionally. I know what you're really wondering, though. I didn't have sex. But what did happen was ten times as good as my trusty right hand, and I had fun. That's what's really important.
I don't think I've been as melancholy lately either. Maybe it's because a girl touched my penis. I really couldn't tell you though. I still see the same happy people holding hands, and I'm still disgusted at them. I still question the fact that I'm sitting here at UW-Whitewater, learning more and more everyday on how I'll really be going nowhere. I may be smart. I may have some uncanny charm on certain people. But I still question everything that's taught to me, even when it's that there's not really any rules in writing (there really are, but no one dares to say that). There is no room for questioners in this world. Everyone has succumbed at one time or another to their superiors. Even your favorite rock stars, artists, and authors. But getting away from this dourness... I'm uncharacteristically happy. I walk these streets like I can still conquer the world. I still think I can write the great American novel. I still dream of being a rock star... a bassist for the best of the fictional bands, The Jews (or maybe it's more PC, yet still shocking Spastic Asshole?). I don't know what to think of this, but as in the story I just read (Candide), I'm not going to think about it too hard. I'm just going to live my life.
I suppose it's time that I update. A lot has happened lately, or maybe nothing's really happened at all. Maybe it's just been another day in the life of Kevin, I don't know. I got some recently. Yes, me, your resident loser, the whiner extraordinaire, champion of all that is melancholy got some play the other day. Or days to be clearer. Of course, it first happened under the influence of a lot of alcohol, but it still happened nonetheless. I hope it was all in the spirit of fun. The spirit of being in college, of being alone with nowhere to go. Because that's all I want right now; I don't need the baggage of a relationship. I hope she feels the same way because, though she seems to be one of the least fucked-up girls I know, I don't think I could have a relationship with her. Never mind the fact that I don't want one anyways... even if I did I don't think I'd want one with her. I'm just not attracted, and over the years I've come to realize that I have to be attracted, both physically and emotionally. I know what you're really wondering, though. I didn't have sex. But what did happen was ten times as good as my trusty right hand, and I had fun. That's what's really important.
I don't think I've been as melancholy lately either. Maybe it's because a girl touched my penis. I really couldn't tell you though. I still see the same happy people holding hands, and I'm still disgusted at them. I still question the fact that I'm sitting here at UW-Whitewater, learning more and more everyday on how I'll really be going nowhere. I may be smart. I may have some uncanny charm on certain people. But I still question everything that's taught to me, even when it's that there's not really any rules in writing (there really are, but no one dares to say that). There is no room for questioners in this world. Everyone has succumbed at one time or another to their superiors. Even your favorite rock stars, artists, and authors. But getting away from this dourness... I'm uncharacteristically happy. I walk these streets like I can still conquer the world. I still think I can write the great American novel. I still dream of being a rock star... a bassist for the best of the fictional bands, The Jews (or maybe it's more PC, yet still shocking Spastic Asshole?). I don't know what to think of this, but as in the story I just read (Candide), I'm not going to think about it too hard. I'm just going to live my life.
Friday, September 20, 2002
The moment is lost.
So, I wanted to post this morning, when the internet was working... it still didn't post. The higher-ups at DLK Enterprises finally figured out that we have T1 lines and not 56k modems, though that didn't last long. As of just a few hours ago the download speeds were once again slow. So what I was going to say this morning about updating my web sites more often, isn't holding true as far as I know. Damn.
Anyways, what was truly lost was the wonderful mood I was in this morning at about 10AM. It had to do with yesterday and how well it went. I wrote a paper on the differences between two characters from picaresque novels for my Modern Western Lit class. I did it in about 1/2 an hour and I didn't think it was that great. But my teacher picked on ME and told me to read it to the class. So I did, and he agreed with my points wholeheartedly. He even joked that he wouldn't have to lecture because I covered all the bases. Compliments from anyone are good, but this guy is a total elitist. Picture Dennis Miller, only chunkier, making the same obscure references and unfunny jokes. That's him, in a nutshell... and he really liked my work.He even came up to me during the break (it's a 2 1/2 hour class) and said I did a good job. I don't really like the guy, but since he thinks highly of me so far, I'll let that go. So in essence the theme "disconnected by your smile" applies here, except that the smile was replaced by praise. And some days I can use all the praise I can get.
Then again, all the praise in the world can't change the fact that I'm lonely. Not even all the girls that say hi to me and know my name. This loneliness kills me every night when I try to go to sleep. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't help but feel bad that she's worse off now (health-wise) then when we parted ways. I'd give everything to be able to hold her close and tell her everything will be alright. I'd love to see her face light up like it used to when I saw her. I cry about these things. Maybe someday I will see her again, hopefully, and let her know that she has not been forgotten. Of course, I think she already knows that, but I have to do this for myself.
Those two things seemed more powerful to me this morning. I don't know why.
And now for your viewing pleasure the ever-popular Hot or Not person of the moment I'd hit it. With a bag of walnuts...
So, I wanted to post this morning, when the internet was working... it still didn't post. The higher-ups at DLK Enterprises finally figured out that we have T1 lines and not 56k modems, though that didn't last long. As of just a few hours ago the download speeds were once again slow. So what I was going to say this morning about updating my web sites more often, isn't holding true as far as I know. Damn.
Anyways, what was truly lost was the wonderful mood I was in this morning at about 10AM. It had to do with yesterday and how well it went. I wrote a paper on the differences between two characters from picaresque novels for my Modern Western Lit class. I did it in about 1/2 an hour and I didn't think it was that great. But my teacher picked on ME and told me to read it to the class. So I did, and he agreed with my points wholeheartedly. He even joked that he wouldn't have to lecture because I covered all the bases. Compliments from anyone are good, but this guy is a total elitist. Picture Dennis Miller, only chunkier, making the same obscure references and unfunny jokes. That's him, in a nutshell... and he really liked my work.He even came up to me during the break (it's a 2 1/2 hour class) and said I did a good job. I don't really like the guy, but since he thinks highly of me so far, I'll let that go. So in essence the theme "disconnected by your smile" applies here, except that the smile was replaced by praise. And some days I can use all the praise I can get.
Then again, all the praise in the world can't change the fact that I'm lonely. Not even all the girls that say hi to me and know my name. This loneliness kills me every night when I try to go to sleep. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't help but feel bad that she's worse off now (health-wise) then when we parted ways. I'd give everything to be able to hold her close and tell her everything will be alright. I'd love to see her face light up like it used to when I saw her. I cry about these things. Maybe someday I will see her again, hopefully, and let her know that she has not been forgotten. Of course, I think she already knows that, but I have to do this for myself.
Those two things seemed more powerful to me this morning. I don't know why.
And now for your viewing pleasure the ever-popular Hot or Not person of the moment I'd hit it. With a bag of walnuts...
Sunday, September 15, 2002
Long weekend.
Yes, so I've been gone for awhile, at least gone from here. I had to go celebrate Christmas at a hotel in Appleton. You read that correctly. Christmas. In September. The story behind that is as follows: My grandparents go to Texas for the fall and winter. So, unless we'd go down there (which would never fly) for Christmas, we're forced to celebrate it months beforehand. Which is OK, in theory. But the fact that this is made public, usually, is what makes it bad. It's horrible enough that my mom's side of the family are drunks. Well, most of them are, anyways. Add to this the fact that certain people DECORATE THEIR ROOMS with Christmas items. Also keep in mind that it's a tradition that a male member of the family dresses up as Santa Claus every year. Finally, remember that there's usually nothing to do but sit and drink, and you've got yourself a recepie for disaster.
My cousin was Santa this year. He's skinny, got jet black hair, and has tattoos and piercings. He had to walk down the stairs, through the hall (past the front desk) to get to the room. He had to ring bells and say "Merry Christmas." Needless to say, people stared. Not just any people, either. These people included hot, single women. Like an idiot, I walked with him.
Later on that night, I saw some of the girls. They ignored me and my cousins. Maybe it was because every time they walked by I had a beer in my hand. Maybe because they knew we were "the psycho people who were having Christmas in September." I don't know. The experience can be summed up by this scene:
(cousin, Steve, to girl who kept walking back and forth by us, obviously she was bored)
Steve: Hey, what's up?
Girl: (ignores him, keeps walking without so much as an acknowledgement)
With the exception of the free beer and the $20 gift card from best buy, I should've kept walking too.
On another note, I got my newly built computer up and running earlier tonight. I was sorry to see my old one go. I really was. I know it's just a machine. But it was good to me, despite was Microsoft threw at it. I just think of all the porn it held. Those lonely Thursday nights wouldn't be the same without it. Or the bad Photoshops. What else would I do when I had nothing to do? And of course, you can't forget all the websites I started on that thing. Good memories (barring the WinXP nightmare). Here's to you, Compaq Presario 7360... you've been a good friend. Thank you.
I know, that was lame. Anyways, here's the Hot Or Not person of the moment.
I'd hit it.
Yes, so I've been gone for awhile, at least gone from here. I had to go celebrate Christmas at a hotel in Appleton. You read that correctly. Christmas. In September. The story behind that is as follows: My grandparents go to Texas for the fall and winter. So, unless we'd go down there (which would never fly) for Christmas, we're forced to celebrate it months beforehand. Which is OK, in theory. But the fact that this is made public, usually, is what makes it bad. It's horrible enough that my mom's side of the family are drunks. Well, most of them are, anyways. Add to this the fact that certain people DECORATE THEIR ROOMS with Christmas items. Also keep in mind that it's a tradition that a male member of the family dresses up as Santa Claus every year. Finally, remember that there's usually nothing to do but sit and drink, and you've got yourself a recepie for disaster.
My cousin was Santa this year. He's skinny, got jet black hair, and has tattoos and piercings. He had to walk down the stairs, through the hall (past the front desk) to get to the room. He had to ring bells and say "Merry Christmas." Needless to say, people stared. Not just any people, either. These people included hot, single women. Like an idiot, I walked with him.
Later on that night, I saw some of the girls. They ignored me and my cousins. Maybe it was because every time they walked by I had a beer in my hand. Maybe because they knew we were "the psycho people who were having Christmas in September." I don't know. The experience can be summed up by this scene:
(cousin, Steve, to girl who kept walking back and forth by us, obviously she was bored)
Steve: Hey, what's up?
Girl: (ignores him, keeps walking without so much as an acknowledgement)
With the exception of the free beer and the $20 gift card from best buy, I should've kept walking too.
On another note, I got my newly built computer up and running earlier tonight. I was sorry to see my old one go. I really was. I know it's just a machine. But it was good to me, despite was Microsoft threw at it. I just think of all the porn it held. Those lonely Thursday nights wouldn't be the same without it. Or the bad Photoshops. What else would I do when I had nothing to do? And of course, you can't forget all the websites I started on that thing. Good memories (barring the WinXP nightmare). Here's to you, Compaq Presario 7360... you've been a good friend. Thank you.
I know, that was lame. Anyways, here's the Hot Or Not person of the moment.
I'd hit it.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
Reflection
Today is a day that will live on forever, whether you want it to or not. The media will be reminding us all day today of everything that happened one year ago and everything that has happened since, in relation to the terrorist attacks. Will it bring closure? Probably not, especially for those directly involved. Have we as Americans changed? Yes and no. Certainly, if we didn't know already, we live in the best possible place in the world. We understand that we have enemies, and maybe even with rightful cause. But what have we really done besides send a message to the terrorists (in the most general of terms) by bombing the hell out of their country/countries? Do we as people understand that we all exist on this planet together, and in order to exist peacefully we must understand each other first? Have we opened our hearts and extended our arms, not just to the victims of the WTC attacks but to the victims of this whole war on terror? I think that's debatable. Progress has been made. But it's nowhere near finished, and the problem isn't easily solved. For example: This won't go away by putting a bullet in Saddam Hussein's head. We've got a long way to go.
I don't think calling September 11th Patriot Day (as President Bush has declared) will make us reflect or remember the events that happened any more than any other day. Personally, in time I think it will be viewed as just another day off. When was the last time you did something meaningful for Memorial Day (barring that you're veteran)? July 4th (Fireworks don't count)? Those two, and countless other federal holidays are supposed to mark times of meaning in our country's history. Now they're just time off from work, and taken for granted. I, for one, don't need 9/11 declared as anything. I don't need 24 hours worth of programming dedicated to the subject. Do you know why? I experienced it, as everyone did. I watched the drama unfold on TV and read stories and saw pictures on the internet. I cried. I worried. I contemplated the value of human life. I helped out by donating money to the Red Cross. There's not a TV program, a presidential address, or a minute of silence that will bring anything new to the thoughts I already have. They will not aid me in moving on.
For the innocents, I will never forget. I will get on with my life like hopefully everyone else has started to do. But 9/11 will always live on in my hearts and in the hearts of others. Nothing can change that or make it any better. Nothing.
Today is a day that will live on forever, whether you want it to or not. The media will be reminding us all day today of everything that happened one year ago and everything that has happened since, in relation to the terrorist attacks. Will it bring closure? Probably not, especially for those directly involved. Have we as Americans changed? Yes and no. Certainly, if we didn't know already, we live in the best possible place in the world. We understand that we have enemies, and maybe even with rightful cause. But what have we really done besides send a message to the terrorists (in the most general of terms) by bombing the hell out of their country/countries? Do we as people understand that we all exist on this planet together, and in order to exist peacefully we must understand each other first? Have we opened our hearts and extended our arms, not just to the victims of the WTC attacks but to the victims of this whole war on terror? I think that's debatable. Progress has been made. But it's nowhere near finished, and the problem isn't easily solved. For example: This won't go away by putting a bullet in Saddam Hussein's head. We've got a long way to go.
I don't think calling September 11th Patriot Day (as President Bush has declared) will make us reflect or remember the events that happened any more than any other day. Personally, in time I think it will be viewed as just another day off. When was the last time you did something meaningful for Memorial Day (barring that you're veteran)? July 4th (Fireworks don't count)? Those two, and countless other federal holidays are supposed to mark times of meaning in our country's history. Now they're just time off from work, and taken for granted. I, for one, don't need 9/11 declared as anything. I don't need 24 hours worth of programming dedicated to the subject. Do you know why? I experienced it, as everyone did. I watched the drama unfold on TV and read stories and saw pictures on the internet. I cried. I worried. I contemplated the value of human life. I helped out by donating money to the Red Cross. There's not a TV program, a presidential address, or a minute of silence that will bring anything new to the thoughts I already have. They will not aid me in moving on.
For the innocents, I will never forget. I will get on with my life like hopefully everyone else has started to do. But 9/11 will always live on in my hearts and in the hearts of others. Nothing can change that or make it any better. Nothing.
Monday, September 09, 2002
I'm really not a creep. I know I look and sound like one. But I'm really not. I think I'm just too honest for people. For example, I like tits. I mean, I really like them. And with the hot weather we've been having here they are out in droves, my friends. And I'm not afraid to stare. I'm not afraid to look a girl up and down when I'm walking behind her. All this not hidden from everyone else. I'm a pervert, right? Or maybe I just don't play games. You can't possibly tell me that all the other single guys aren't checking the hot ladies out. The difference between me and them is I let you know I'm doing it. Is that really so bad? I thought people liked honesty! I guess they do, but only to a point. I guess when it comes to sexuality, being covert is the way to go, huh? Figures...
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